Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's blow job season.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Randomize
