if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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