Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
