All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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