I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
