i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
