I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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