Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
