nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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