proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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