Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
