My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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