Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
