today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
