how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
