atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
