Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Text me some of your sweat
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
