I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
