I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
