I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
