We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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