if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
