So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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