If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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