Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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