Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
