the day after is always just damage control
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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