Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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