So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
