You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
