He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
