what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
