Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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