I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
