I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
