he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
