if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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