tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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