Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
