ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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