The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
