the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just found puke in my bra..
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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