I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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