1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
