Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
