i permit you to call me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
