I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
