I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
