I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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