Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
